so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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