I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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