It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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