Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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