You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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