My hand turned me down
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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