I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
