Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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