I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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