Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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