I'm jealous of your bromance
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
