he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
