First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
