The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
