why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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