yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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