Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
