i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
