Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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