So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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