I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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