smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
