I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
