It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
