Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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