Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
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Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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