ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
