the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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