and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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