Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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