I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
