Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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