I got chris browned last night
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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