Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
