This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
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i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
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Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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