Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
