It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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