You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
