Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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