So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
