OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
