If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
