I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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