Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
