just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
