I puked a lego.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
