I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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