Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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