there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
