Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I don't think brook has ever known best
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
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we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
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Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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