Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
