you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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