Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
