Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I have already put on my inside pants.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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