Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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