in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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