headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
