Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
