Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
