is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
